Last Nacht I Had A Dream

That I was dying (second time I've had a dream about dying). Last time it was a long dream and I remembered every detail. This time I remember nothing besides thinking this: I knew I was dreaming, but I thought I was really dying. What I knew is that I was dying in my dream but in the morning I'd really be dead. And what I thought of was the journals in the night table next to my bed, and how everyone would read these and all the journals I've kept since the fourth grade. I remembered how I wrote an entry on my blog about songs I would want played at my funeral, and I panicked - my funeral would be tomorrow and that was the list I left! I hadn't thought hard enough! And worst of all there was nothing by The Fall!

The N.W.R.A., Winter, The Classical. Just some ideas. How weird. Sometimes when I'm driving and I have a song really loud and it's distracting me I picture getting into an accident; when the song is good enough I think "Yes, if I crashed right now this would be the song I would want playing." I feel released now because I had a good conversation with Chelsea where we worked out a lot of things.. things about the negativity that sometimes comes with my passion for music. The main idea is that music, specifically whatever I'm most into at the moment, becomes me. Consumes me. And when it happens on the scale of the BIG GUYS especially (The Clash, The Pogues, Black Lips, and now The Fall) my soul is replaced by the soul of the music and it dictates how I feel and how I act and what I think about. When I get past the "phase", the band will move into my own little personal holy grail. They're not all I think about anymore, but they're naturally a part of me, together making up who I am. The Clash was the first and will always be the most prominent... the essay I wrote on this is not finished/up to par... but right now it's The Fall. It feels AWESOME. It's beautiful. But I'm going crazy again and I can't say it helps that maybe Mark E. Smith's soul isn't the best one to have inside you. I mean it's fantastic but it doesn't quite work. It's too harsh for my body like I think I can jump off a cliff or run a million miles, and I can't. Or if I had glasses with a prescription 100x too strong for my eyes and I saw everything unbelievably but it gave me the worst headache in the world. It wouldn't be worth it. Anyway more on this later. Now I'm listening to Moondance. I need a chill pill.

Joe Strummer, 1988: "Rock 'n' roll is the only thing that's living to me. I shall live and die and be judged by it."